Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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