I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
