his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
