Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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