I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize