There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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