4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
