I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
