if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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