Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
