Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
