in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
