I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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