I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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