he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
