it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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