Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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