I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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