im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
