I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
