I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
