I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
