I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
