I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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