I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
