genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
