I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
