Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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