hotel room ftw
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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