You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
