I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
