I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
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