he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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