Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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