Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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