I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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