took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
