I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
