Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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