my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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