I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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