put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
