Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
