Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
