i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
