I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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