I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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