I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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