Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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