Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
