she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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