do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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