I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
