"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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