I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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