first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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