You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
