so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
