I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
