I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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