If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
