your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
